Christmas time is here… bahumbug..

Ok, ok, dont look at me as if I was a grinch, (just a note Friday How the Grinch Stole Christmas w/ Jim Carry will be on Fri. on The WB), its just this whole Christmas time, sux. I mean I like gettin the tree, lighting it up, putting lights on the house, which I barley started last night. Put stuff on the tree, and started with the house today… well last night technically its another day already. But I cant be one of those people you see around, shopping, happy, wearing christmas related cloathing. Even if I wanted to, something inside me, makes me feel as if, its all stupid.

Would I like to have one of those families, where they go all out for christmas? Throw a party, have egg nog or some shit and stand around a tree singing Christmas Caroles? No. The song’s are the worst part, or atleast one of the things I cant stand to listen to.

There’s maybe a second of a second, of a second, of a millasecond when maybe, just maybe I think it might be ok, but just as fast, its gone. Christmas is depressing.

I wasnt one of those kids who waited up for Santa, put out cookies and milk, and tried to hear some fat guy with a red suit come down a chiminey… hell we never had a chiminey. I knew where the presents came from, and some years how we were lucky to have any at that, and damn that if I was gonna be nieve and give the credit to some fake symbol of Christmas.

Sometimes I wish I could just stop, be happy, not worry. But I cant, its not me, its not who I am, who I turned into. I havent been happy in years. And every year, EVERY YEAR something big, something bad happens. Ever since my grandpa (dad’s dad), died in April of 96. April 13, 1996. That made me not like Easter either.

Only holiday I like, look foward to, is Halloween. The holiday you can hide your face behind a mask, and not be a freak in doing so.

I dont know if I would have liked to have been one of those kids leaving Oreo’s for the fat guy, or singing those crap christmas songs, or having a Christmas party.

I dont know if one day I will be happy, not worry about everything. Sure I’ll have some days that were ok, but I’m never really happy. Havent been in a real long time.

Just Monday, when putting the tree up, my mom and I got into a huge argument about it. Wont get into the details, but it was stupid, yet it still was an argument.

Do I miss that? Sometimes, when I see someone else happy and it reminds me just what happy is, but then it leaves me, I forget, and I’m back to me. Back to not knowing what happy is.

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