It has been a long while since I’ve “blogged.” The term seems so outdated and silly. Who blogs still? Unless it’s a genre, or new source, or something of that nature. I don’t think there is a “blog” scene anymore. But with that being said, I don’t really care. I will blog if I feel fit to, and have something on my mind. That is what this was for to begin with, a place to vent, to express, and to just try and deal.
Since my last post I have been trying to do just that. Deal. I’ve done well in some areas, but not so well in others. Things have happened that have brought me down to levels I never knew I had. And that is saying a lot if you’ve read past posts, especially posts regarding one of my sisters. Thing’s have changed. Thing’s are different now. Thing’s are not better.
While I can’t say what has happened specifically, it’s a home wrecking, family splitting, never ending nightmare. built with lies and malice. That is my stance on the issue, that is what I believe.
I was never one for the holidays, but the small things I enjoyed doing, have even been taken away. I start to have anxiety/panic attacks thinking of what has happened, of certain people, of things that will never be. I can’t think of things of what was, and not hurt. It’s been about a year and a half since the biggest thing happened. It’s been a year and a half in which I’ve not been able to talk about things, to process, to heal… because you can’t heal from this. I can’t. I have tried. I’ve tried to ignore, to block things, but I can’t. I let myself believe I had, that I was dealing, but I wasn’t. I’m starting to feel like I did when it just happened.
I’m drowning inside myself and I can’t get out of the water. I’m running out of air.
I don’t want to hurt anymore.